Diary
entry 06 12/13/25 : everythings pissing me the fuck off damn bruh ok so i decided im going sober, (with an exception for psychs cuz theyre good for you and i dont do those too often anyway) and since then everythings TRYING ITS HARDEST to make me mad as shit, the universe is really testing my limits but i can handle it even though ive been yelling my ass off. LITERALLY RIGHT AFTER i called up 3 friends (on the day of my last entry), and RIGHT AFTER i told them i was gonna be sober from now on, my dog puked on my carpet, outside my room, outside the kitchen, in the living room, on 3 more carpets and all... and everyone was in arlington so i was home alone pissed tf off just yelling at my phone playing chief keef music videos on my tv and i had to clean all that shit up myself. and since then its like every 5 seconds theres another inconvenience minor or major to get me mad again. and im not even exaggerating, im being SO unbelievably serious..EVERYTHING wants to make me mad SO bad
entry 06 12/11/25 : today was supposed to be good, but me being me i fucked it all up and now im dwelling in some stupid shit i did that was nobodys fault but mine. i started the day good, i skipped 1st in the little playground right near school and i wrote half a song. later at school was okay, just a regular day for the most part, then after school i went out for icecream with my friends. there was 6 dollars left for me, and instead of getting my own icecream i decided to get lean. i realized while walking the rest of my way home alone after my friends left, how much of a fuckin junkie i sound like, i dont care if leans just middle school shit i still sound like a damn addict im a fucking chud dude im a bad ass influence too (bad ass as in bad, not badass. theres a difference.)
i also have been starting to get ticked off by one of my friends really easy, but i cant just not be his friend cause 1. hes never done anything to me but be annoying, 2. hes gotten stuff for me, been through something with me already. and 3, its just not right to me. and hes friends with 2 of my other closer (at school) friends so i cant just stop. i just gotta deal with the annoyingness, but ive been sort of, expressing my anger as i do with everyone who pisses me off, and i dont wanna do that shit with my friend but im not good with controlling my stronger emotions ya know?
and i havent been eating alot, today all i had was 2 sips of coffee and half a small icecream from andys, which together was probably already 500 calories, which is way too much, and im planning on leaving it that way. i know not eating can make you gain weight, but yeah its different for me cause i fucking said so. its almost christmas too, ill get fat then.
i dont usually hate myself but today i feel that. its just a temporary feeling i guess. i hate being sober but then i hate when im doing shit or at least afterwards, cause then i feel like a fuckin addict whos gonna grow up to be on the streets. i honestly think outside of hard drugs like fent or coke, drugs aint bad for you. mainly psychedelics..which i dont do alot of. not by choice, though, if i had the money and resources i totally would every damn day.
entry 05 12/9/25 : damn i dont know why im so angry all the time, everything seems like it was designed to annoy me. anyways, for the past few days ive been working on a comic because theyre cool and its also an outlet for me so i can uuuughhhh moooopeeeee without using too much words and cool drawings. a big theme is lean and ben. its more a demo version because i dont want it to come out as edgy with all the drug talk which is always all emo and edgy which i dont like, but im just writing about the shit that interests me. but today i didnt work on it ive been working on more lyrics. one out of two is erm 'inspired' by some shootings around here, all these kids wanna be thugs and start shooting up their friends to roleplay "the life" but they know nothing about that shit, there was a driveby and the car was probably bought by the kids daddy, he was a sophomore...so that's around 15 years old. yall are ruining your lives going to juvi having a record at 15, cause you cant get away with easy shit (thats why im still a free man, and i dont fight other kids, call me pussy but thats some dumb shit not worth anything) and you wanna roleplay as a thug with your little friends. kids just wanna seem "ghetto" (or at least their idea of hood and ghetto, what they hear on tv and see on the internet where they think its all cool and drug dealing getting money and bitches making rap songs..) so people will be intimidated cause people wanna seem tough so bad, and these people haven't even experienced that shit themselves. theyve lived in the beautiful parts of north texas their whole lives. anyways again, today i didnt really do that much. i layed in some bushes that smelled like apples.
entry 04 12/8/25 : most of my teachers are bitches, the only okay ones are my geo and english teachers..but i'm still failing my geo class, even though i actually do the work in there cause there's not really much else to do since it's 2nd period, early in the morning, and i don't like anyone in there. (update: i dont like my geo teacher anymore because i have a 69 in that class and its SO easy to just bump my grade up a single point to get me passing.) i guess my art teachers not bad but i feel more neutral on here cause ive never really talked to her other than asking to get out of class...but the teachers i really dont like are my math and biology, especially maths i HATE ms obese. both those teachers don't like me and target me (again especially ms obese) and i could get a 69.9 but they won't round that shit up to help me pass. i got my 10% in biology up to a 66 with a test i cheated on, but that big bitch couldn't round up my grade a bit just to let me pass. and then she says she WORRIES about me..like dude i'm failing cause ur bitchass doesnt wanna bump up my grade a few points. i actually turn stuff in cause one of my friends in there does work. i also think she's a pussy, she gets mad at just saying a swear..like i suppose i get racial slurs, unless it's black kids saying the n-word, which i think is fine, but if you say fuck she'll start crying. she just seems like a sensitive person and also gave us a speech on how bad drugs are. i get she's a teacher but that's still ugh shut up, we get it. we're in high school, we don't need to be told not to swear anymore..
and then my maths teacher is just a total big bitch..i want her gone and any day she's absent i jump in joy...the class really is fun when she's gone, but of course, she's one of those teachers whos only gone when they really have to be..all my teachers have been off at least 5 times already, except her. she's only been gone for testing or meetings. i have a 23 in that class, and she's always targetting me and when i actually do ask for help on a question (that is if im actually doing my work) she just acts all fuckin sarcastic like what the hell do you want me to do woman do you think ur being funny with that shit no just help me on my damn maths question and then she wonders why im stupid in that class..whatever ill never use this shit in the real world.
today in maths (she was supposed to be gone for testing, but was here in an ugly ass grinch outfit looking more like shrek) it was SOOO silent and nobody wanted to play any loud games cause theyre too pussy, but i convinced a random kid at my table to cough so i could make a loud fart sound and blame it on him. thats the most interesting thing that happened that class..thats how quiet it was
entry 03 12/7/25 : no matter how much fun i have how many people are nice to me how many things i do to make myself happy at the end of the day im still angry and wanna do nothing but hate and stomp on everything...people are always all "oh if u dont indulge yourself in all these sad things you wont be sad" well i DON'T, i actually do whatever the hell makes me happy and i avoid whatever will anger me but i can never really run from it. and i'm not so sad, just more..well..mad - i wouldnt say i have anger issues because i can bottle it up till i get home and take it out on whatever isn't another person, unless i get mad enough to swing, which is rare..usually i just err talk crudely to whoevers angering me in the moment. i try to be as nice as possible to people who haven't done anything to me, but people are always saying i'm rude so yeah imagine how i'd be if i wasn't trying...i hate when i put effort into ts and people just spit in my face..maybe not purposely but thats what it feels like, cause i don't wanna be a mean person unless i think you deserve it.
entry 02 12/4/25 : people think not doing your work means youre depressed or something..or that somethings going on at home - maybe im just not lame as shit and wanna have fun while im still young and got all my friends around me rather than waste my time on retarded schoolwork that wont matter in a week. i have a 20 in math, a 10 in biology, and i forgot the rest. my highest grade other than art and pe (which are basically free 100s, i dont even turn in anything in art) is a 50. (out of 100) and, honestly, people say im stupid but maybe im just not a nerd like you. yes im annoying, yes i sit around getting answers from other people, no im not interested in whats being taught (unless its something cool like doing labs in science or when we learn something i heard in a tool song in math) but who is... and no my teachers dont like me and i dont like them either...i guess my coach is ok but everyone else is annoying.
entry 01 12/3/25 : ...my first entry back..hello! - today i was paranoid the whole day because my friend was flaunting shit around on the bleachers and it was in a class where the snitch was (from 2 weeks ago, i got snitched on for having stuff. i didnt get in trouble in the end even though i did in school. i think it was obvious i was tweaking a bit.) - so i was a bit mad at him...and that had me thinking about my other friend who was absent, he was my err.. supplier 2 weeks back, it wasn't anything hard or that bad just ben. and i was thinking about how bad of an influence i can be, because yeah we got snitched on, but it was 70% my fault. we both had a case but i brought up the idea - it's not like my friend is a saint though ..sorry, im just trying to make myself sound better. but whatever, as far as i know my friends going sober and i completely support him...i just feel bad cause his mom actually cared and went through his shit, nothing HORRIBLE happened though, it's still my fault mostly..but whatever, situations over, its a new day...
it also had me thinking about how authority dont give a shit, thats why i dont believe in it. the schools just call up ur parents and im lucky mine didnt care, but my parents are alot better than other kids at school - and instead of not caring about me, they i guess care too much and start beating on their kids for tryna feel something..or look cool, i dont know. but no adult cares about us kids unless ur actually *physically* hurt or youre already dead. teachers, aps, counselors whatever go spouting about oh were all family and we care but unless you have a gun at your head they dont do shit..or when you express ur feelings they just go tell ur parents to get the situation out of their hands without considering what the parents will or wont do
actually im not enraged because it means i can do what i want without getting in too much trouble..maybe yelled at a bit but after an hour nobody really cares what i do. but if someone did, id probably be locked up in an asylum - it's not that im crazy, cause im not..just saying other people would consider than bullshit and stuff. im not that good at hiding stuff but nothing ever happens even when people do find out
so, what i feel is, fuck snitches fuck the system i have an F or a D in my classes except for PE and some other elective im not gonna be an all obeying slave and ive been paranoid and angry this whole day and i love billy club sandwich.
