entry 09 1/28/26 3:43pm : same day entry but not really cuz its the afternoon and the last one was late at night.. or i guess early in the morning cuz it was a.m. im feeling depressed because ive been stuck in the house for not even a full week and ive been only around my family.. i just miss my friends and thats enough to get me all down i guess im dependent or being dramatic idk.

last night i was just being sensitive im fine now and whenever i see my friends physically again im sure ill be happy.

i was being a little pussy but im cool now

idk why i feel like a pussy for having problems. well my problems arent even that bad someones always doing worse bro i need to stfu ..i removed some of my old entries too cuz well again i was being a pussy js as little as a month ago damn why cant i js be nonchalant or smth

entry 08 1/28/26 3:30am : id never be able to live alone. ive been away from school and stuck in the house for... less than a week.. and im already getting all depressed again, being only around my family and no friends or nothing. enough to make me go crazy. i dont wanna be back at school exactly, just not stuck here.

and i feel like a child. i forget that i can actually get "triggered" by things. i feel like im afraid of being seen as sensitive or weak and just act like im not affected by anything but i just was by the stupidest thing. i was watching south park and it was the episode where stan has a fish from another parallel universe that kills people, and stans mom thinks he kills them so she acts all nice to him and takes care of the bodies. whenever theres something like this in a cartoon where the kid does something bad like kills someone or cuts themselves or does drugs and the moms all nice and sweet to the kid i get really jealous and mad

so ive been crying cause i got jealous of a cartoon character. and thats why i feel like a kid. my mom knows i do shit like drugs, hurt myself (havent done so in like a month but yea), ive ran away a few times, last few times just for attention honestly cus i just want them to notice me nd feel bad for me and see i aint coo, which yea that probably sounds shitty till u remember im a 16 year old kid nd i js want my parents to feel bad for me. its RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR FACES and they dont care. maybe my mom will ask if im coo but then 5 minutes later its just all laughs and jokes and nobody cares and that moments passed and we should all forget and im magically doing amazing

i probably sound really dramatic but if you were in my situation youd probably be feeling pretty bad too. it feels like they dont care. i feel like they feel more like friends or coworkers than parents sometimes

entry 07 1/26/26 : well, new layout since this man-made winter storm gots me outta school and im on my annual site-working phase. its pretty outside though... also im not all mad no more. ive been feeling pretty good lately. except at school, since the new semester, #1 alot of friends have moved classes and, #2 i stopped being friends with a few people i just..well, didnt wanna be friends with no more cause i feel like being friends with mopey losers isnt good for my head and im not trying to get back into that state. im sober, but again im making exceptions for psychedelic drugs because theyre good for you. so on EVERYTHING ELSE, im a good while sober. but thats not a big part of my life, anyways AGAIN im doing pretty good. my grades are shit but that means im havin fun, i only have like 4 or 5 GOOD friends now and 2 REAL ones. or, like, best friends ya know? went from like 12 to 2. (of course i have more friends, but theyre just regular schmegular friends. not any id tell secrets to.) i wouldnt trade em for more friends though, the smaller a circle the more real they are. and thats a big reason im doing so good for whats happening around me and what everyone sees me as (probably a low-iq junkie) ..cuz i got good ppl by my side and i let go of the fuckin losers

jeez i dont really realize how i look to others i mean to some im annoying nd corny to some im cool to some im just another npc in the world and to some im again a low iq junkie whos probably suicidal (which im not) ..feel like alot of shit i dont remember but they remember me (ha like king von) ..i wouldnt say im embarrassed or ashamed, cus no strangers would truly know me so how can they judge me.. but its still a little like wow i rlly forget how im prolly seen by everyone

i also need to get a job soon. im planning on saving with my friend for a car, then im also gonna buy an actual nice airbrush nd airbrush shit for money. i mean, one car is like, at least $300. yall dont really see alot of my actual drawings, js stuff i decide to post which is mostly practice

entry 06 12/13/25 : everythings pissing me the fuck off damn bruh ok so i decided im going sober, (with an exception for psychs cuz theyre good for you and i dont do those too often anyway) and since then everythings TRYING ITS HARDEST to make me mad as shit, the universe is really testing my limits but i can handle it even though ive been yelling my ass off. LITERALLY RIGHT AFTER i called up 3 friends (on the day of my last entry), and RIGHT AFTER i told them i was gonna be sober from now on, my dog puked on my carpet, outside my room, outside the kitchen, in the living room, on 3 more carpets and all... and everyone was in arlington so i was home alone pissed tf off just yelling at my phone playing chief keef music videos on my tv and i had to clean all that shit up myself. and since then its like every 5 seconds theres another inconvenience minor or major to get me mad again. and im not even exaggerating, im being SO unbelievably serious..EVERYTHING wants to make me mad SO bad

entry 06 12/11/25 : today was supposed to be good, but me being me i fucked it all up and now im dwelling in some stupid shit i did that was nobodys fault but mine. i started the day good, i skipped 1st in the little playground right near school and i wrote half a song. later at school was okay, just a regular day for the most part, then after school i went out for icecream with my friends. there was 6 dollars left for me, and instead of getting my own icecream i decided to get lean. i realized while walking the rest of my way home alone after my friends left, how much of a fuckin junkie i sound like, i dont care if leans just middle school shit i still sound like a damn addict im a fucking chud dude im a bad ass influence too (bad ass as in bad, not badass. theres a difference.)

i also have been starting to get ticked off by one of my friends really easy, but i cant just not be his friend cause 1. hes never done anything to me but be annoying, 2. hes gotten stuff for me, been through something with me already. and 3, its just not right to me. and hes friends with 2 of my other closer (at school) friends so i cant just stop. i just gotta deal with the annoyingness, but ive been sort of, expressing my anger as i do with everyone who pisses me off, and i dont wanna do that shit with my friend but im not good with controlling my stronger emotions ya know?

and i havent been eating alot, today all i had was 2 sips of coffee and half a small icecream from andys, which together was probably already 500 calories, which is way too much, and im planning on leaving it that way. i know not eating can make you gain weight, but yeah its different for me cause i fucking said so. its almost christmas too, ill get fat then.

i dont usually hate myself but today i feel that. its just a temporary feeling i guess. i hate being sober but then i hate when im doing shit or at least afterwards, cause then i feel like a fuckin addict whos gonna grow up to be on the streets. i honestly think outside of hard drugs like fent or coke, drugs aint bad for you. mainly psychedelics..which i dont do alot of. not by choice, though, if i had the money and resources i totally would every damn day.

entry 04 12/8/25 : most of my teachers are bitches, the only okay ones are my geo and english teachers..but i'm still failing my geo class, even though i actually do the work in there cause there's not really much else to do since it's 2nd period, early in the morning, and i don't like anyone in there. (update: i dont like my geo teacher anymore because i have a 69 in that class and its SO easy to just bump my grade up a single point to get me passing.) i guess my art teachers not bad but i feel more neutral on here cause ive never really talked to her other than asking to get out of class...but the teachers i really dont like are my math and biology, especially maths i HATE ms obese. both those teachers don't like me and target me (again especially ms obese) and i could get a 69.9 but they won't round that shit up to help me pass. i got my 10% in biology up to a 66 with a test i cheated on, but that big bitch couldn't round up my grade a bit just to let me pass. and then she says she WORRIES about me..like dude i'm failing cause ur bitchass doesnt wanna bump up my grade a few points. i actually turn stuff in cause one of my friends in there does work. i also think she's a pussy, she gets mad at just saying a swear..like i suppose i get racial slurs, unless it's black kids saying the n-word, which i think is fine, but if you say fuck she'll start crying. she just seems like a sensitive person and also gave us a speech on how bad drugs are. i get she's a teacher but that's still ugh shut up, we get it. we're in high school, we don't need to be told not to swear anymore..

and then my maths teacher is just a total big bitch..i want her gone and any day she's absent i jump in joy...the class really is fun when she's gone, but of course, she's one of those teachers whos only gone when they really have to be..all my teachers have been off at least 5 times already, except her. she's only been gone for testing or meetings. i have a 23 in that class, and she's always targetting me and when i actually do ask for help on a question (that is if im actually doing my work) she just acts all fuckin sarcastic like what the hell do you want me to do woman do you think ur being funny with that shit no just help me on my damn maths question and then she wonders why im stupid in that class..whatever ill never use this shit in the real world.

today in maths (she was supposed to be gone for testing, but was here in an ugly ass grinch outfit looking more like shrek) it was SOOO silent and nobody wanted to play any loud games cause theyre too pussy, but i convinced a random kid at my table to cough so i could make a loud fart sound and blame it on him. thats the most interesting thing that happened that class..thats how quiet it was

entry 03 12/7/25 : no matter how much fun i have how many people are nice to me how many things i do to make myself happy at the end of the day im still angry and wanna do nothing but hate and stomp on everything...people are always all "oh if u dont indulge yourself in all these sad things you wont be sad" well i DON'T, i actually do whatever the hell makes me happy and i avoid whatever will anger me but i can never really run from it. and i'm not so sad, just more..well..mad - i wouldnt say i have anger issues because i can bottle it up till i get home and take it out on whatever isn't another person, unless i get mad enough to swing, which is rare..usually i just err talk crudely to whoevers angering me in the moment. i try to be as nice as possible to people who haven't done anything to me, but people are always saying i'm rude so yeah imagine how i'd be if i wasn't trying...i hate when i put effort into ts and people just spit in my face..maybe not purposely but thats what it feels like, cause i don't wanna be a mean person unless i think you deserve it.

entry 02 12/4/25 : people think not doing your work means youre depressed or something..or that somethings going on at home - maybe im just not lame as shit and wanna have fun while im still young and got all my friends around me rather than waste my time on retarded schoolwork that wont matter in a week. i have a 20 in math, a 10 in biology, and i forgot the rest. my highest grade other than art and pe (which are basically free 100s, i dont even turn in anything in art) is a 50. (out of 100) and, honestly, people say im stupid but maybe im just not a nerd like you. yes im annoying, yes i sit around getting answers from other people, no im not interested in whats being taught (unless its something cool like doing labs in science or when we learn something i heard in a tool song in math) but who is... and no my teachers dont like me and i dont like them either...i guess my coach is ok but everyone else is annoying.